Barbie and the Three Musketeers - Film Review Friday

Even before it’s started, I know this won’t be an easy review to write.

A good portion of the reason for why this is the case is that I don’t have a clue what film to review. Although my Letterboxd is as packed with random and inane late-night watches as ever, not one of them is jumping out at me as the one I must review, the kind of thing that I could say you just need in your life or you’ll go feral.

And so I have to wonder – why is that the criteria I’m marking films against? I don’t know that it ever has been before. Of my personal favourite films (although this is a list I’m in the process of revising) only one of them ISN’T a comedy. When has a good time at the cinema ever hurt anyone?

The answer, I hope, is never. So I’m brought to this: Barbie and the Three Musketeers.

If you’ve never seen Barbie and the Three Musketeers, or any of the animated Barbie movies from back in the 2000s, well, you’re missing out. Second only to Barbie and the Diamond Castle, Barbie and the Three Musketeers is a fun and fabulous reimagining of Alexandre Dumas’ classic novel. Where the protagonist of Dumas’ story, though, was the heroic D’Artagnan, the star of this one is his daughter, Corinne (played, of course, by Barbie).

Dreaming of being a Musketeer, Corrine heads for Paris, where rampant sexism and a series of mishaps result in her being forced to take a job at a castle as a maid. Here, she befriends three of her fellow maids, and in time the girls discover that all four of them are expert musketeers. Add the requisite unassuming-old-lady-with-skills-you-could-never-imagine, handsome-but-ridiculous-prince-who-needs-to-be-taught-a-lesson, evildoer-with-an-unfortunate-agenda, and a masquerade ball, and you have magic.

Sure, the animation is mediocre, and the songs tend towards cringe-worthy – but who cares? Even those of you who didn’t get the formative childhood experience of watching Barbie while eating an entire tub of choc-mint ice-cream because no one would talk to you at the sleepover should still be able to appreciate it. For one thing, the voice actors are great; the movie even features the esteemable Tim Curry (a.k.a. THE ONE AND ONLY DR FRANK-N-FURTER) as antagonist Phillipe, ready at a moment’s notice to overthrow a king or annoy a teenage girl (as the case may be) with the most dignified voice possible.

On top of that, the costumes are unexpectedly delightful. In classic Barbie fashion, each character is associated with a single colour throughout, which they wear marvellously, and I know I can’t be the only one who spent a week straight practising high kicks in her chosen Barbie’s colour after watching it for the first time.

Having said that, I concede that my appreciation for this film is definitely somewhat nostalgic. I’ve been watching more animations lately than I did for years, but I hadn’t stopped to consider Barbie for close to a decade before I pulled it off my DVD shelf the other day and had to accept that I’m just not socially adept enough to spend an extended amount of time with someone without forcing a screen in front of us.

I know it's easy to write off Barbie and the Three Musketeers as a children's film, or as a shiny bit of chaos that won't add anything to your life – but I hope you don't. Barbie and the Three Musketeers is funny, memorable, wholesome, and all in all exactly the kind of movie that you ought to watch if you want to take it easy for the night. Appreciate a film that asks nothing from you but a quarter of your attention and a willingness to suspend disbelief, and enjoy the calm satisfaction that comes from watching it. That’s a significant feeling, after all.