On being ‘emotionally avoidant and evil’, ‘insecure and taking it to HR’: your week 12 dating advice

Painfully one-sided situationship trade got you down? Friends tired of you talking about the same chop hoe non-stop? Want advice about dating from someone who has made notoriously bad romantic choices? The Gala is here to help! We are starting a dating and situationships advice column. Submit your questions about dating, heartbreak, situationships and all things sex and romance on the google form on our IG stories, or drop us a line to our email: thetert@gmail.com.  

Columnist credentials:

• 5+ situationships/ talking stages
• Never had a long term partner
• Expert on desire (I read a lot of 20th century French philosophy)
• Evil bisexual (I have probably declined you on hinge)
• Wollongong’s Ivy Wolk (self-declared)
• When love (or just like) has got you beat down, the Gala has your back!

Dear Maybe Evil Situationship Villain,

I think in recent years we have come to use our situationships as an exercise in the intersection of psychological diagnosis and moral judgement. Often, especially in our early 20s, we act sexually and romantically in less than perfect ways, and this can hurt the people we date. The problem is the language of the hurt party has transformed into essentialising judgements of their partners, which neither truly explain their behaviour nor encourage them to change. 

You seem to be cognisant of the fact you strung your ex-sitch along, but his judgement leads you to feel the need to prove yourself to him. I want to say that whilst you hurt your partner, this is not some grand moral fault, but rather comes with the territory of dating. His hurt is also a byproduct of how we view dating as a process of valuation; if someone is “good enough” you date them, if not you string them along. Why is the categorisation of the relationship more important than the relationship itself? That is a question for the culture which might take a while to answer. 

Nevertheless, with your situationship’s provocation there is something to think about, deeply. What made you avoid commitment with your previous situationship and how is this different to the new person you’re dating? Were you at a time in your life where you just could not commit? Were they just not relationship material to you? What is relationship material to you? Do you only feel like you have to date your new partner to prove a point to your ex-sitch? Answer these questions honestly and critically investigate your answers. You might find that you have treated your ex-partner unfairly or maybe you just were not compatible with them. In saying that, reflect on the reasons that led you to lead them on. 

I am a big believer that, even when shitty and messy, your past love affairs should be acknowledged. I think your ex-situationship is still hurt by you not committing to them. They did not feel acknowledged by you then and now with you moving on with someone you are willing to commit to, that is bringing up those same feelings of rejection all over again. I have been in the same situation as your ex-sitch, and although I have often been too shy to verbally attack my ex-partners, I have felt a similar way. This hurt is understandable, it’s the feeling of being thrown around like a rag doll and tossed away when your lover doesn’t want to play with you anymore. It is the annihilation of self-esteem. At the same time, you need to recognise that they are acting out of resentment, which unfortunately is not useful to either one of you. They are hurt so they seemingly wish to inflict suffering on you, or maybe they think you will hurt your new partner in the same way as them and they want to bar you from doing so in a way they could not advocate for themselves.

If you still like your ex-sitch (and I am talking “like” here as “friend-like”, not “like-like”), you need to make him feel acknowledged by you in a way that is tenable in your current arrangement as friends/exes. You need to not let his words affect your current dating choices beyond having you reflect on how you treat other people. Tell him that you are genuinely sorry (if you are) that your current dating choices are reminding him of how you hurt him. Acknowledge that you led him on and that was wrong. 

If you do believe you were the villain of the previous story, don’t chastise him for any judgement he makes against you, that is his right as the hurt party. Let him know that your current dating choices are personal and have nothing to do with him. As for your new partner, do not rush into something because you feel guilty for the mistakes you made with your ex. Consider your new partner as their own person with whom you have built a new unique relationship with, and introspect on the parts of yourself that your ex-sitch has challenged without affirming them as reality. If your ex-sitch gets too aggressive or verbally attacks you too much, impose distance whilst maintaining that you were wrong for how they made you feel. Easier said than done, but I believe in you.

Dear Bad Office Politics,

If one of my exes (or ex-situationships, I have never had a long term relationship) who I am on bad terms with joined my workplace, I would probably never work again. Just kidding, that sounds like a dream, but is unfortunately impossible under current material conditions. That sounds awful, I am so sorry this has happened to you and I would hate being in your situation more than I hate having straight theory-bros in my philosophy tutorials (which might be the thing I hate most in the world). Did your ex know you worked there? Did you both work in a similar field? I think you need to check if your ex is stalking you. If she joined your workplace just to fuck with you, this is serious cause for concern and you need to act swiftly. However, if it is a coincidence, you might need to reconsider the situation a little. 

If you are 100% sure your ex purposely stalked you in order to work at the same company as you, and you have proof of this, consider taking this to your HR department. If this is something you don’t think you can take to HR, use your social capital as the employee with more experience. Continue to do well at your job, socialise and be on good terms with your coworkers, and then when you undoubtedly get asked about her and you formerly dating, look really genuine and be like, “oh, I don’t want to talk bad about her because she is new here”. Then mention the fact that you did not end on good terms, but she knew you worked at your current workplace. Be concise with anything you say about her, do not be overly derogatory. Do not be the party to talk about her more than she is talking about you; your coworkers are probably already weary of the division between you and her, and the party that makes it more awkward and uncomfortable for your coworkers is the party that will most likely suffer. At the same time, if she is a mudslinger, make sure you let any coworkers that you are friends with know about the situation in depth, so you have people to back you up in case she decides to throw dirty information out about you. In that case, also take her to HR. The best way to rid your workplace of your ex is to remain professional and likeable, whilst letting your ex fumble as she is clearly not  part of your team for any legitimate reasons. Any overt meddling could be viewed as tacit consent to her drama. Lean on your support network during this time, internal or external to your workplace, to affirm your concerns.

If it was accidental, your ex is probably feeling just as awful about working with you as you are working with her. This is probably one of those situations where you both feel equally as awkward as each other. However, this awkwardness is kind of the perfect environment for resolution. It is the perfect time to consider why you don’t want to work with your ex and try to resolve these issues. Did you end on bad terms and if so how bad are those terms really? What conversations do you need to have to be appropriate coworkers? I think if it is a coincidence that she got hired you really need to learn to be okay with it, any drama that you start in regards to her being your ex is going to reflect poorly on you. It is going to be extremely obvious you are trying to get her fired. Unless you wield power at the organisation you work for, any attempt to throttle her is going to seem like you bringing non-work issues to work. And also, do you really want to use your power in that way? Trust me, you will feel better working out how to work with your ex and being the party trying to maintain an appropriate workplace environment, than the person known for causing a bunch of workplace drama because you want to see your ex fired. If the cast of Vanderpump Rules can work with each other for multiple seasons, you can work with your ex too.